The Basketball Guru
Advice from the playbook of The Basketball Guru.....
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.Dear Basketball Guru,
I’m really in a pickle… I was bored yesterday at work, and decided to email my buddy a photograph of a large penis as a joke. The problem is that I my friend has the same first name as my boss, and I accidentally selected him from my address book as the recipient of the email. He was out of town yesterday, but when he opens up his email today he’s going to see it. I’m on shaky ground as it is. My wife will leave me for sure if I lose another job over a penis photo. Please help me, Basketball Guru.
Sincerely,
bucketlips@gmail.com
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Bucketlips,
The first thing that I see when I look at this situation is an opportunity. In the game of basketball, as in the life, you must take ownership of your decisions. If you drive towards an opposing player with a fearful expression, then he is going guard you aggressively and inevitably steal the ball from your timid hands. However, if you drive to the basket with confidence he will guard you with caution, allowing you the space you need to make your move and hit the shot. This can be applied to your situation, Bucketlips. You mentioned that the photo you sent was of a large penis. This seemingly minor detail will be your saving grace in this predicament. I highly suggest that you greet your boss in the morning, and find a reason to be sitting with him in his office as he checks his email. You’ll know when he’s gotten to your message by the expression on his face. At that moment you should stand and extend your hand to him. If he doesn’t reciprocate then grab his hand like a jump ball in the air! You shake that hand like a new born, look him dead in the eyes and firmly say: “I needed you to know my level of commitment.” While your boss might not understand what just happened, he will certainly understand that you were trying to communicate your dedication to excellence. When tomorrow comes, if you walk in that office radiating confidence you will indeed make the shot, and save your job.
Basketball,
Basketball Guru
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Basketball Guru,
Ok, I’m just gonna say it… I’m attracted to young men. I have been all my life, and have used an inconceivable amount of energy repressing my urges. At this point in my life I’ve exhausted every possible, conceivable, imaginable fantasy. Now I’m beginning to crave physical contact. Should I blow my brains out or just go for it?
Thanks,
candypuppyclown@aol.com
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Candypuppyclown,
Take the gun out of your mouth candypuppyclown… there is a solution. Simply go to your nearest YMCA and sign up to be a youth basketball couch. Being around young men is the best thing for you right now. Surely, getting to know them personally will teach you that they’re not inanimate objects, but individuals with feelings and emotions. Keeping yourself isolated from youngsters is likely the cause of your overwhelming desire. When a toy is kept out of reach of a child, the child only wants it more. Once the child has the toy, he will eventually get bored with it and put it down (sorry if that analogy got you amped up). Spend as much time with young men as you possibly can. Frolic with them on the court, change with them in the locker room, and feel free to join the shower ranks after practice. After a few weeks you’ll look back and realize how silly your fantasies really were. You’re welcome…
Basketball,
Basketball Guru
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Dear Basketball Guru,
I’m sick of being made to feel inferior, Basketball Guru. My father-in-law has never approved of me, and he’s made that quite known. He’s the typical alpha-male: works as a Teamster, played high school football, leaves pornography lying on the coffee table, etc. He’s always picked on me due to my puny stature and my profession. I repair and restore knick-knacks and porcelain Santa Claus figurines. Despite the success of my business he consistently mocks me. He refers to the precious collectibles that I work with as dick-naps, and he once smashed me over the head with a Santa Claus figurine I was in the process of restoring. I had to pay the owner of the collectible $4,000 in damages, and needed 24 stitches behind my ear. I’m the laughing stock of every holiday and family barbecue. It’s only a matter of time before the uncontrollable laughter of the other male relatives in her family progresses to physical abuse. I also fear that my wife will succumb to the heckling, and leave me for a fireman or a sailor. I’m tired of being addressed as “Jill”, I’m tired of being thrown in the pool, and I’m tired of my wife crying when we make love. Guide me, Basketball Guru.
Warm Regards,
porcelainprince@yahoo.com
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Porcelainprince,
You’re situation is not uncommon. You have not earned the respect of the dominant male in the family, and are thus seen as a living joke. We are all guided by subconscious instincts. These instincts then guide our actions. Your father-in-law does not see you as a man, but as the a feminine boy operating within a man’s body. This infuriates him, as he subconsciously feels that you are mocking the male species. Being an alpha-male, he finds a good deal of his identity in the core values of masculinity… of which you have none. Therefore you must prove that you are worthy of your testosterone, your Adam’s apple and your genitalia. Once your father-in-law realizes that you are indeed a worthy male counterpart for his daughter he will no longer feel the need to punish you for impersonating a man. The best way to do this is to make love to his daughter in front of his very eyes. While he must assume that you perform this act with your wife, he must actually bear witness in order to quiet the subconscious instincts that drive his abuse… Just as a prized basketball prospect must be personally scouted before being offered an athletic scholarship. Plow your wife in front of her father. It doesn’t matter where or when, but only that he is watching. If she refuses then simply get her loaded, or slip her a sedative. You must show your dominance on your father-in-laws court, or you are doomed for a lifetime of heckling on the bench.
Basketball,
Basketball Guru
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Dear Basketball Guru,
I misplaced my glasses the other day and can’t remember where I put them. Are there any techniques that I could use to help trigger my memory?Best Wishes,
sealfan1902394818
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Sealfan,
Go to your nearest outdoor basketball court… alone. And it must be outdoors! No matter how many hours or days it takes, you must shoot half-court shots until you make three in a row. After you’ve done this you will find that you no longer need glasses.
Basketball,
Basketball Guru